30 and Single? It's Your Own Fault

There are more unmarried christian singles in our congregations than ever, and some say that's just sinful.

Once upon a time, Debbie Maken found herself still single at 28 and growing in her discontent. She was "dating-wearied, lonely, depressed, frustrated, and, yes, terrified of the future." Finally giving herself permission to feel these tough emotions, she took the exit ramp from her church singles class, gave a fresh look at what the Bible says about singleness and marriage, and finally realized she had to get serious if she was ever going to get married.

Following the path afforded by her ethnicity (she's Indian), she signed up with an Indian Christian Web agency to find a suitable suitor and, aided by her parents' watchful care, started e-mailing a man in July 2001. By that October, they were engaged. Now happily married and the mother of two young girls, Maken drew a map—in the form of her book, Getting Serious About Getting Married—to the Land of Marital Bliss. She hopes to prevent her daughters and countless single women across the country from having to experience any more "unnecessary protracted singleness."

Maken starts with a relatable description of many single women's experience: Singleness is easier to see as a grand adventure in your 20s, an unfettered time to figure out who you are and what path God might like you to take through life. Without a spouse, there's more freedom to travel and take risks, minister and invest in a burgeoning career. But, as Maken describes quite well, this can start to lose its luster around the 30 milestone. In later chapters, she addresses the well-meaning advice handed to singles in Christian circles—such as "just wait on the Lord to bring a mate to you" or "Jesus is all you need"—and deftly explains some of the erroneous thinking and theology surrounding each. At her best, in passages such as these, Maken gives platitude-battered single women needed permission to admit, "I'd like to get married, and that's okay."

Unfortunately, these bits of trend-spotting and balanced synthesis are drowning in a sea of shame and blame. Maken seems to think a vast majority of singles view their solo status as a special gift from God (a stance I've seen in only a fraction of the thousands of e-mails I've received as a columnist for ChristianSinglesToday.com, a CT sister publication), a notion the very subtitle of the book urges them to reconsider. Based on this assumption, she spends the lion's share of the book arguing a case for marriage. Unfortunately, she doesn't stop there; she also makes a case against adult singleness, going so far as to call it unbiblical—and marriage a "biblical mandate" for all but the few who have been called to full-time kingdom work that makes family life impossible (a la biblical singletons Paul, Jeremiah, Barnabas, and John the Baptist) or who have a medical condition that makes them unable to perform marital "duties."

Her case for marriage as God's will for all believers rests largely on the story of Adam and Eve. Maken argues that since God said it wasn't good for Adam to be alone and then solved that problem not with a brother or friend or neighbor but with a spouse, that must mean every other person throughout the course of history is God-designed to be married. She backs this up with a basic dismissal of Paul's extolling singleness in 1 Corinthians 7, pointing to the unique historical context as a reason his words aren't still valid today.

To those who would ask, "What about the fact that Jesus was single?" Maken summarily answers, "There are a lot of things that Jesus was and did that we are never going to be or do." Case closed. That seems like a scary, simplistic paradigm with which to view our Savior. If marriage really is a biblical mandate for all believers, why aren't there any recorded words from Jesus about the matter? Why didn't he turn to his band of brothers and urge them to settle down? Why didn't he tell the woman caught in adultery to go, sin no more, and get married? Why didn't he confront his seemingly single friends Mary, Martha, and Lazarus about their failure to wed? He said so much about the needs of the poor, the way the body of Christ should operate, and the times the Pharisees missed the mark, why don't we have any words to the single people of his day, urging them to marry, as Maken asserts is "the highest calling given to men and women"?

She also employs a troubling technique common in Christian circles—making the descriptive prescriptive. The Bible mentions "the wife of your youth" a couple of times, so Maken extrapolates that all should marry young. Maken found her spouse by "enlisting agency" and therefore asserts that all singles will find resolution in the same manner. Unfortunately, this technique of over-prescribing doesn't allow room for one of God's best traits: his personal touch in our lives. He relates to us individually, has different plans and timelines for each of us, and such cookie-cutter theology doesn't allow room for this wonderful truth.

Maken points to many root causes of the current singleness epidemic: our culture, media, the church, single men, parents, previous generations, faulty theology. There might be truth to some of these claims, and it's certainly helpful to examine them, but making such an impassioned case against all these sources won't help the intended audience of the book, single women, the one segment she all but lets off the hook for the current state of affairs. With her angry finger-pointing at all these factors, I fear she's simply inciting bitterness. And when are shame and blame, anger and bitterness ever helpful motivators or solutions—let alone biblical attitudes?

The 30 pages of solution at the end of the book suggest that dating is a harmful, ineffective means of meeting a spouse; that single women should move home or at the very least employ a father or father-figure to find potential suitors; that we should limit men's access to single women (which apparently lowers their motivation); and that singles shouldn't take much more than three months to figure out if someone is a good marriage match. These kinds of counter cultural solutions work better in theory than in reality. I asked several single male friends what they would think if someone like me, a never-married 34-year-old woman, were to move home and/or get my father to broker my dates. Their incredulous, confused stares said it all. If we were all agreeing to work from this playbook, these practices might be effective. But going so counter cultural in a climate where dates—let alone marriages—are already hard to come by for many Christian singles seems risky and misguided.

Perhaps the most troubling thing about Getting Serious About Getting Married is its lack of understanding and acknowledgment of current realities. I, like most singles I know, find myself still-single in my 30s by surprise. I don't view singleness as a higher spiritual state I'm loathe to leave, even though I have found unique ministry opportunities in this life stage. I haven't avoided marriage. In fact, I've allowed friends to set me up on dates, signed up for Christian online dating agencies, prayed for God to open doors. I have been serious about getting married.

Seriousness isn't the problem for me and most of my single sisters. A large part of the problem is found in two statistics: According to Barna research, there are between 11 and 13 million more born-again women than born-again men, and according to 2000 U.S. Census findings, there are 86 unmarried men for every 100 unmarried women. Meaning? As a single Christian woman, there are less marital options out there for me to get serious about. I have a feeling the new growing demographic of still-single women is more due to those realities than to our viewing singleness as an amazing gift or to any lack of seriousness about marriage. As such, Getting Serious About Getting Married feels like140 pages extolling the virtues of food to hungry people, then 30 pages of unrelatable and unrealistic advice on where to find this fabulous sustenance.

For many of us, singleness is a default reality. Besides praying for revival of the single men of our generation and doing our best to meet the good, godly men who are out there, we're left trying to make the most of this life stage, trying to find contentment in any and every situation, as Paul encourages (Philippians 4:11-12). In this process of trying to allow God's redemptive work in this sometimes-unwanted life stage, voices such as Maken's in Getting Serious About Getting Married sabotage our quest for godly purpose and hope. Most of us still-singles aren't trying to glorify singleness but to redeem it from second-class citizenship, to remind ourselves and our family-centric churches that God loves, values, and wants to work through all his kids—whether married or single. If we're going to get serious about some of these difficult singleness realities, and I think we should, why can't we also get realistic, accurate, and gracious?

Source: http://www.christianitytoday.com

In 'family friendly' workplaces, singles feel overlooked

The Christian Science Monitor

When Jerry Steinberg first started working as a teacher in Sioux Lookout, Ont., he noticed that almost all of his colleagues who attended after-hours meetings were either childless or had grown kids.
"I thought, 'Wow, all my colleagues who have children are home now, and they're getting paid as much as we are,' " Mr. Steinberg says. "All they have to do is say 'My kid ...' and all is excused."

According to a 2003 study by the University of Tulsa, Steinberg isn't the only person to notice the disparity. More than half of America's childless singles feel put-upon - whether it be because of fewer benefits, longer hours, mandatory overtime, or less flexible vacation - by their married and child-rearing co-workers. As part of his own remedy, Steinberg started an international social club for childless couples and singles called NO KIDDING!, where Steinberg holds the eminent office of "Founding Non-Father."

After decades of "family friendly" initiatives in offices across the country, older and younger workers like Steinberg are speaking out about what they see as a particularly sensitive and decidedly obscure form of discrimination.

"I think one of the biggest issues is that people assume that if you're single, you don't have a life," says Bella DePaulo, a psychology professor at the University of California at Santa Barbara. "You don't have anything to do with your time, or you don't have anything that qualifies as being as important as what married people have to do." Prof. DePaulo is the author of "Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized and Ignored and Still Live Happily Ever After."

"It's just assumed that you will do whatever the rest of the workforce doesn't want to do," DePaulo says. "Their excuses can be totally flimsy, and on that excuse you have to work late."

On the other hand, a study to be released in August by the University of Texas at Arlington shows that fostering a singles-friendly office environment can distinctly increase employee retention.

Changing traditional "here's what you get" benefit plans to "cafeteria style" plans is now in vogue, for example. In a "cafeteria" plan, employees pick and choose benefits from a host of options, up to a specified monetary limit. The plan allows for different lifestyles without rewarding larger families with more benefits for the same job.

But according to the University of Tulsa study, the nonmonetary elements of employee relations may be just as important - if not more so.

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Should Christian Singles Date Multiple Partners?

Here's a often highly-debated question: Should Christian singles date multiple partners?

It's so often debated because it's such a murky question. Before we can even begin to attack the question, we have to consider: what's the purpose of dating anyway? And - shouldn't we be 'courting' instead of 'dating'?

What is the purpose of dating? According to today's culture, it's a way of getting to know someone, to hang out with a member of the opposite sex, to have someone to escort you (or be escorted) to an important event or (depending on how worldly you are) a way of obtaining a regular sex partner. Courting is considered to be dating, but with one very important caveat: you are seeing that person as preparation for getting married. Therefore, courting is usually considered much more serious.

So, returning to the original question (now that we have a working definition of dating), should Christians date multiple partners? What do you think about it?

I personally think it's a bad idea. Why? Because, with all things, the more factors you throw into the pot, the more confusing things will be. Let's say you are going out with Bill (whom you like), occasionally spend time with Tim (because he has a really cool-looking car) and have just started seeing Steve (because he is oh so fine). What do you think will become of all these relationships? You like Bill, but he will more than likely get lost in the shuffle as you juggle him and two other men. Tim is cool, but he doesn't have a lot to say for himself. However, you get a personal high from being seen in his Mercedes, so you continue to waste time with him. And Steve? You may or may not like him, but you don't know because you don't have the time or energy to spend much time with him! So you are dating three men, but not getting a whole lot of fun. Are you having fun yet?

I think it is easier (and much more productive) to just date one person at a time. In a perfect world, I would even advise courting, as opposed to dating. That way you would both know that what you are doing is getting to know each other and preparing for marriage with that person. But I recognize that we do not live in a perfect world (and most men and women aren't ready to be that committed until they've spent more time with a person), so my best advice would be to just spend time with one person.

Why? Because your life is busy enough as it is - you have church, you have your family, you have your friends, and possibly school and a job. Dating more than one person will definitely detract from all these things. I think your time will be much better spent doing things to build your life, your finances and your relationship with God. And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, Does Being Single Mean Putting Your Life on Hold?, when you are single, you are focused on God. And on serving Him. As a married person, you will more naturally begin to become more focused on pleasing your mate. So, since you know that will happen once you get married, it is important as a single person to make sure God is your primary focus. And this definitely will not happen if you are dating several people at once!

So, if you are dating more than one person right now, seriously consider why that is. Do you find none of them very satisfying as a potential mate? Are you trying to be a player? Are you just not looking to be serious right now? Or do you just think this is the norm?

And, after you have answered those questions, consider if that is the best use of your time. Only you know what is going on in your life, so only you can make that decision. I only hope (and pray) you make the best choice for your life.

Sonya C. Triggs is the Founder of Urban Christianz Ministries, http://urbanchristianz.com, where you can find articles about becoming closer to God, dating and relationships, teen issues and everyday spirituality.

Christian Singles

Christian Singles calendar

Age 40-Plus Singles: Jogging/running group forming. Noncompetitive, weekend runs in Oakland County. jepruns@aol.com.

BaBoomers: Christian singles, ages 45-60. Pizza and game night 5:30 p.m. June 11 at Faith-Trinity U.C.C., 12221 Martin Road. Warren. Henry: 313-833-0863.

Candlelight Singles: 800-431-2411. Dinner and music by candlelight, ages 23-65. All parties grouped by ages. 7:30-11 p.m. Sat. and 6:30-10 p.m. Mon. Da Edoardo Fox Town Grill, 2211 Woodward, Detroit. Registration fee: $50.

Catholic Alumni Club of Detroit: For single adults, ages 21 and older, with a bachelor's degree who are free to marry in the Catholic Church. Offering athletic, cultural, intellectual, religious and social events. 586-751-2225 or www.cacd.hypermart.net.


Volleyball: 7-9 p.m. Tuesdays. Butcher Community Center, 27500 Cosgrove Drive, Warren. Chris: 248-608-0412.


Putt Putt golf: 6:30 p.m. June 16 at the Royal Oak Gulf Center, Thirteen Mile and Woodward, Royal Oak. 248-336-0391 or 248-761-0482.


Jazz in the park: 7:30 p.m. June 22 at Heritage Park Ampitheatre, 1010 S. Canton Center Road, Canton. 313-881-0625.

Catholic Singles: Ages 30-50, Potluck picnic noon-5 p.m. June 4 at East Bend Picnic Area Pavilion at the Lower Huron Metropark, off I-94 at Haggerty Road exit. No alcohol. $5. Reserve by June 3. catholic singlesnye@Comcast.net or 734-434-8373.

Divorce Support Group -- 30/40 Plus: Discussions and workbooks to help with trauma of divorce, noon second and fourth Sat. of the month. St. Mary of the Hills Catholic Church, 2675 John R, Rochester Hills. Child care available. Open to all faiths. Registration: 248-651-2824.

Friday Singles Jubilee: 248-373-7878. Ages 21 and older. Dances with DJ, 8 p.m. to midnight. Proper attire. Cash bar. $8, $5 before 8:30 p.m. Next dance June 16, Troy Marriott, 200 W. Big Beaver.

Metropolitan Single Professionals: 248-544-6445.


Dances: Sites rotate. 8 p.m.-1 a.m. DJ, appetizers from 8-9 p.m. $5; $9 nonmembers. Dressy casual attire. June 9, Hilton, 5500 Crooks Road, Troy.


Euchre: 6:30-9:30 p.m. Mondays. Drakeshire Lanes, 35000 Grand River, east of Drake, Farmington Hills. $5; $6 nonmembers.


Coed Bowling: Subs are needed for league, 5:45 p.m. Sundays, all levels of bowlers are welcome. Drakeshire Lanes. Nonsmoking. Cost is $10 for three games, weekly.


Camping Trips: June 9-11, Mears State Park-Pentwater; July 14-16, Traverse City State Park and Aug. 18-20, Silver Lake State Park-Sand Dunes. Info line: 248-544-6445.

Parents Without Partners (Rochester): Thursday Night Dancing at the Rivercrest, 900 Avon, Rochester, 8:30 p.m.-midnight. $4 members, $7 nonmembers. Music and cash bar. Sal: 248-280-0244.

Relationship Institute: 27172 Woodward, Suite 200, Royal Oak. 248-546-0407. Drop-in Single Mingle on the last Friday of the month, 7-8:30 p.m. $15.

Sailing Singles: Meeting, June 9, 7:30 p.m. second Fri. of the each month, followed by dancing at Clawson-Troy Elks, 1451 E. Big Beaver, Troy. Jim: 248-745-3876. www.graynwhite.com/ss.


First Rendevous, May 27-29 at Edison Club and Metro Beach boating picnic.

The Single Way: A group of interdenominational Christian singles. 586-776-5535.

Somerset Singles Ski and Golf Club: Ages 45 and


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Christian Dating Service

Breakups by the Book

How do people behave when they get dumped? Hollywood—or at least those individuals in Hollywood responsible for The Break-Up, the thin new romantic comedy starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn—would have us believe that the broken heart is prone to showy, cinematic behavior. The hurling-across-the-room of the former lover's belongings. The blasting of Alanis Morissette. Pensive runs along the waterfront. That sort of thing.

Apparently, though, when regular Americans get dumped, they curl quietly up with their reading. Or at least that's what you would suppose from a visit to Borders, where the self-help aisle has been overrun with a peculiar animal: the breakup book. These guides, offering advice on how to cope when a relationship ends, are legion. You can learn How To Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days or (if you're feeling pokey) pick up Letting Go: A 12-Week Personal Action Program To Overcome a Broken Heart. Can't bear to clutter your calendar with Xs? There are plenty of untimed options, among them not one but two books called It's Not Me, It's You, and a third called It's Not You, It's Him (which is more of a guide to dating). Apart from the slight mortification entailed in purchasing one of these titles (or, in my case, purchasing 13 of these titles, which prompted the cashier to ask with some concern, "Are those … all for you?"), these books have no obvious downsides. But it's not clear how they comfort their readers. Can they really do more for America's lovelorn than, say, staring idly out a rain-streaked window?

A brisk survey of the literature reveals at least one thing these books have to offer: metaphors. Apt, tortured, elegant, clunky—metaphors are apparently indispensable tools of the breakup guru's trade. Going through a breakup, we learn, is like having a hangover, except when it's like having broken ribs or a very bad cold. The trouble with you and your ex? You became "intertwined, like two saplings that are planted


Continued


Chistian Dating